It's been a few weeks. The end of last semester was really tough for me. Kinda like the end of fall semester. A lot of crazy realizations/epiphanies that were probably mostly just anxieties and fears but were real.
One a little while back was this strange feeling that I am not meant to be a college student because I just can't excel at college/academic things. This came around the time that I was struggling with my three research papers. I kinda got frozen up, thinking of how much my previous research papers have sucked. I wanted to make sure these ones didn't suck. That they were actually good and indicative of my "supposed" potential that everyone and my conscience keeps talking to me about. I ran into some of the same road blocks-- having a hard time with thesis, idea, focus, etc.-- and I just completely lost heart. I figured that since most my research papers turn out as A-'s or B+'s, I'd just never be able to write a really good paper and it triggered a weird shift in my thinking. I started to doubt the worth and point of the four years that I've spent at college. And I really wondered whether or not I would have been better at a technical school that taught me a skill that wasn't so subjective-- something that I could very obviously and easily get right. Like, if the chair looks good and doesn't rock around, then I am a good carpenter. Or, if the sheep are healthy and I'm taking good care of them, then I am a good shepherd. I can be satisfied that I'm turning out a practical object and be sure that I'm doing a good job.
But the academic is not so black and white. At least for me. And what is the worth of all these stupid papers that I end up writing all night and turning in without any more revision than a quick spell check? I don't know, I was just having an existential-senioritis crisis. The motivation was just gone. I don't need motivation to make a chair. I just know that I'm supposed to because it's my job. I would cut out all of the anxiety that comes from worrying about whether my ideas and thoughts are mediocre, worthless or pointless.
I talked with my parents about it, and then they convinced me (rather confirmed the decision I would have eventually made, I probably wouldn't have gone through with any radical life change) to at least finish my degree and get my bachelor's. Looking back on it I feel kinda stupid but a lot of the same feelings are there-- am I really doing what's best? Should I keep pushing myself to do things that just make me wonder whether I'm mediocre and trying too hard, or go a different route that could offer a lot more simplicity and satisfaction?
Don't know. It stills weighs on my mind as I get ready to go to Cambridge and study there, and think about grad school next year--two things that are totally academic and I'm afraid that I'll just find myself in the same motivational slump and discouragement. But we'll see. I'm investing a lot of money in Cambridge... maybe that will be enough to force me to make the most of it. Hope so.
Stay tuned for the exciting story of how I slept on my brother's couch for a week, contemplated living in a tent, and was a vagabond, then found a temporary place to stay for spring term.
p.s.- always sorry about kinda negative posts. but the problem is that I'm not perfect and there's stuff I def. need to work out in my life and so some of it comes out here. maybe people will even relate with what I have to say.
Good gravy, Mateo, something I am realizing is that EVERYONE IS THE SAME. Which is to say, I'm not a crazy freak for having all these life-plan insecurities and freak-outs, because I think they are something inherent in humanity. Which is to say, I COMPLETELY understand what you mean, and it is why I'm pretty much now going to trade school--to get away from all the subjective words and ideas and STUFF and learn how to actually make or fix something with my hands that has real,physical, inherent value. But I can't say that this has obviously been the best choice--I still don't know if I've done the right thing or where it will take me, I just have to go with what seems right and like a good idea at the time. So...Good luck! :) I think when all the England group turns 35 we need to have a big reunion and look back on these horrific insecure times so that we can laugh at how freaked out we all were by life. And now this is the longest comment in the world so I am going to END IT.
ReplyDeleteMatty, I am glad that you are blogging again! And I think it is god that you are having these kinds of reflections. One of the main things that college should teach you is how to think critically, which is the process you are currently engaged in. And getting an A- on a paper is actually really good!
ReplyDeleteYou're a good man Matt
ReplyDeleteI don't dare pour out all the thoughts your post triggered, because they would likely be longer than Katy's substantial comment, but much lamer.
ReplyDeleteWondering about this stuff is okay. In a way, I think it's normal and even healthy. Sometimes we gotta question what we're doing and why; helps us stay honest and on track.
And Saree's right about an A- being really good. It is good. We forget that a C is technically average. Society and human institutions require quantifiable results and evidence to gauge a person's quality. I think it's an inherently reductive system and we shouldn't get too wrapped up in it.
I gotta stop or I'll write for an hour.
Your writing belies your own doubts, my dear lad! Even your blog post is thoughtful, critical, lucid. What's really messed up here is the way undergraduate education is structured. You don't have time to do more than surface edits to your writing because that's how the courses work; real writers and scholars are allowed to take years to produce their stuff.
ReplyDeleteFor crying out loud, I was the bookish undergraduate girl who submitted a writing sample to Stanford and the University of Chicago with "Incontinence" in the title . . . you're on the right track, and sometimes it's not obvious in the immediate present how much an experience has taught us. Love you kid!