Still reaching

Hey guys, do me a favor if you wanna read this post. Click on the video and let the music play while you read. Of course you don't have to if you don't want to... but the song is partly the motivation for this post.



So what if a couple posts ago I seemed a little down. I was sharing some thoughts that I had, trying to work through them. It was the end of a rough semester, the end of a rough year. "I made a lot of mistakes," as Sufjan Stevens would say. But although I seem to have more downs than ups, that doesn't mean I'm not capable of having ups. And sometimes when you're having ups, you're not all the way "up" yet. But you're on the up and up.

I've not always been a happy person, but I'm working on it. It's actually my current over-arching life project. It involves trying to reintroduce certain key things into my life like discipline, work, strong family relationships, exercise, time spent in nature, an increase of spirituality, sociality, and a controlled amount of academic activity that I can focus on.

I'm taking only two classes this spring: D&C and Preparation for Marriage, along with being in the university choir. It's amazing how edifying studying religion and marriage and the family can be. I just have a different feeling about me than during the last school year.

I went on a great hike on Saturday. Although spending time with people is something I absolutely need in order to be happy, I also don't mind some time alone in the woods. It was a gnarly hike, and I'll dedicate another post to it, but it was just all part of this redemptive process that I'm working on. Standing on top of Squaw Mountain was definitely an edifying experience-- I believe that. Nature teaches you things, teaches you about a reality that's above the stifling world we live in down in the city.

The night before, Friday night, I went to a free Fictionist concert with two of my good friends, Madeline and Blake. One of the songs Fictionist played was "Still Reaching" and for some reason it hit me hard. I realized that even though sometimes I'm down, literally, even on my back with all the crap that I'm dealing with emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually, I haven't given up on anything. I'm still reaching. Sometimes I feel like the lyrics describe me perfectly-- "Who I am- I can't stand. But in another life I'll be a different man... I won't bend, I won't break." I deal with issues of self-worth. I always have. But I'm still reaching upwards, and that chance to be a different person in another life starts whenever I have the courage to pull myself out of self-absorption and selfish self-pity and start a new life. There are things that teach me that life is good, that I love life, and that I love this world I live in. Being with family who I love is one. Being with good friends who are kind is another. And standing on a mountain peak is another.

Pretty much no matter what in life tries and succeeds in pulling me down, I have to be still reaching, becoming a better person. And if I do I'll be happy.

"Even if we gotta walk through fire..."